Funny – fmachado dot com http://blog.fmachado.com Keep walking... Thu, 01 Sep 2016 15:32:38 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.6 A lonely and depraved Darth Vader http://blog.fmachado.com/a-lonely-and-depraved-darth-vader/ Sat, 16 Jul 2011 03:40:43 +0000 http://blog.fmachado.com/?p=163 […]]]> I didn’t know how crazy Lord Vader could be. šŸ˜› This is one of Ā the funniest videos playing withĀ James Earl Jones/Vader voices.

I found the video transcription here and I don’t want to loose it so, this is a copy/paste.

(Laser fire sound effect)
Stormtrooper: Open the blast door, open the blast door
James Earl Jones/Darth Vader (JDV): Iā€™m James Earl Jones and I played the part ofā€¦
Princess Leia: (Interrupting) Darth Vader

JDV: I havenā€™t confided in many people who walk in here, he said. I had a nervous breakdown once.
Imperial Officer: Lord Vader.
JDV: After fourteen years on the force, it just came upon me without any warning at all.

JDV: I know that you have been inconvenienced and I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars? Very well then, two million.

Stormtrooper: The death star plans are not in the main computer.
JDV: Your mommaā€™s going on a date. You dig that? A date. Like the nice restaurants and fine music.
Rebel Soldier: This is a consulate ship, weā€™re on a diplomatic mission.
JDV: Dig that? Sheā€™s going with me, sheā€™s going to have a good time, can you dig that?Ā (throw rebel soldier)Ā Look man, Iā€™m in the prime of my life cause Iā€™m living the way I got to. Gonna make me some money again and were going to fight, cause itā€™s my turn to be champion of the world.

JDV: Oh Godā€¦
Princess Leia: Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The imperial senate will not be still for this. When they hear the youā€™ve attacked a diplomaticā€¦
JDV: Hey look man, I ainā€™t fighting for no race, I ainā€™t redeeming nobody. I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the pimp. Yeah, you lucky I too busy to find you, girl, you selling my clothes, my ring, my silver brushes.
Princess Leia: I donā€™t know what youā€™re talking about. Iā€™m a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderon.
JDV: Donā€™t you poppa me, girl, or Iā€™ll poppa you so that youā€™ll never forget it. So just get your black ass out of here. Jesus.

Imperial Officer 1: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the rebellion and the senate.
JDV: What I supposed to do? Stash her in a itty bitty hole someplace in niggatown and go sneaking up there at twelve oā€™clock at night?
Imperial Officer 1: Sheā€™ll die before sheā€™ll tell you anything?
JDV: Or carry her around with me in a little box like a pet bunny rabbit or something?
Imperial Officer 2: Lord Vader?
JDV: Huh?
Imperial Officer 2: Battle station plans are not aboard this ship
JDV: And?
Imperial Officer 2: And no transmissions were made.
JDV: Oh.
Imperial Officer 2: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting.
JDV: And?
Imperial Officer 2: No life forms were aboard.
JDV: Well, pretty far along as it is, man. Iā€™m just sitting here getting older every minute. And Iā€™m going right out the door.
Imperial Officer 2: Yes sir.

JDV: Yeah, yaā€™ll mad at me, right? But thereā€™s one thing you better know and that is that I love all of yaā€™ll. Listen, can I explain something to you about being a daddy?
Imperial Officer Motti: Donā€™t try to frighten us with your sorcererā€™s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotionā€¦
JDV: A daddy is the bread winner, you dig what Iā€™m saying? And if he donā€™t win that bread, he just donā€™t come around.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him!
JDV: Yeah.

JDV: Hey, baby. We got this real sweet thing going on, it can go on forever like this as far as Iā€™m concerned so donā€™t look so down.
(Enter ominous black probe)
Oh Lordy, what to do when the romance been gone.
(Door closes)
JDV: Ah, she was, ah, I think, the greatest kisser Iā€™d ever kissed in my life and I make my wife the exception now, but in those days I had never kissed anybody like that in my life. There was such commitment, such warmth, such juice, frankly. Quickest way to get a woman in bed is to first get her clothes off and get her to take a bath, you know.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Yes?
Imperial Officer: Our scout ships have reached Tantooine.
JDV: Whether she needs it or not. Thatā€™s romantic enough, you know, bubbles in your bath tub.

JDV: Say, well, look-ee here, yeah alright. (pause while walking to Millennium Falcon) Whatā€™s the deal here?
Imperial Officer: Thereā€™s no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after take off.
JDV: Big son of a bitch.
Imperial Officer: It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.
JDV: (whispered) Go the distance. (full voice) The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. [Field of Dreams]
Imperial Officer: Yes sir.
JDV: It reminds us of all that once was good and it could be again.
Imperial Officer: Yes sir.
JDV: Ohā€¦baseball.

JDV: In 1924, I posed for another sculpture. It was a nude rock. It depicted me singing ā€œDeep River.ā€
Grand Moff Tarkin: The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all thatā€™s left of their religion.
JDV: I canā€™t tell you the secret of life and I donā€™t have any answers for you. I donā€™t give interviews and Iā€™m no longer a public figure. I just want to be left alone.

JDV: Hey, hey, hey, hold it sucker. Hey, wait, wait.
(Obi won approaches)
JDV: Mr. Wizansky. All right. Iā€™ve been extremely impressed with the way your work has improved over the course of the semester. You have learned a great deal more that I thought. You learned what it feels like to be black.
(Light saber fight begins)
JDV: Youā€™ll get no special treatment from me. Do you hear me? No special treatment, that means youā€™ve got to work twice as hard as these little white shits and you damn well better work twice as hard.
Obi Won: You canā€™t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
JDV: Shut the fuck up.
(Strikes down Obi Won)
JDV: Thatā€™s right, Sally.

Voice: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity.
JDV: Bingo, we got our backs up against the wall with no place to go. What say we get back in the car and go on back to where we come from? Itā€™s all over.

JDV: What do you want?
Imperial Officer: We count thirty rebel ships, Lord Vader, but theyā€™re so small that theyā€™re evading our turbo lasers.
JDV: Youā€™ve been out of your mind for the last three and a half hours. Sit down before you fall down. Guys, come in here. Weā€™d like to maintain the current black representation on the committee so letā€™s go for a stroll.
(Ship sequence, changing radio from ā€œWelcome to the Terrordomeā€ by Public Enemy, ā€œAliveā€ by Pearl Jam, to ā€œPiano Manā€ by Billy Joel)
JDV: Hmmmā€¦LAAAAā€¦LAAAā€¦La la la la laā€¦Heeeeeā€¦.Grrrrā€¦thatā€™s enough.

(Death star blows up)

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